Today at Temple

Namaste

As I try to do every Sunday I went to temple today. Ordinarily it's not really worth talking about. I go, I take darshan and prashad, enjoy the bhandara (also known as langaar, means feast) and then I go home. Sometimes I feel uplifted, like I'm buzzing with energy, other times nothing but I haven't felt like this ever. Well, I have but it's never been caused by a temple visit.

So, how do I feel? I feel... calm; sorta floaty, actually. It's a very interesting feeling because I generally only feel like this after taking very powerful painkillers. I think this is the euphoria people talk about feeling sometimes. I feel it right now. It's a delicious feeling and I had no idea that a temple visit could cause it.

I'm thinking it's because I have been doing aarti nightly for the last couple of days. It's Shravan so I should be worshipping Shiva with as much vigor as possible so I figured I'd do aarti every night to both Shiva and Durga. So maybe that's why.

Very odd feeling.

Devi Chhaya out.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundaya Vicche Namaha

Chhaya Sundari

Chhaya doesn't cycle well

Namaste

I am not a confident cyclist - I used to be but it's been a very long time since that was true - and it occurred to me as I was riding, clinging to that bicycle as if my very life depended on it that seeking God is much the same. We are not generally confident - why should God be interested in us? - but nevertheless we must cling to Maa as if to let go would mean the end. If we hang on long enough, hard enough, one day She will have no choice but to pick us up in Her loving arms and cradle us against Her breast like the children we are.

And, as I wrote this another thought has just occurred to me. Today I had to get a wart frozen, which is why I was riding my bicycle (the doctor's office is not very far from home and it's better to ride a bicycle than ride a motorcycle when it comes to getting fit!) and really, the whole reason for this post. But it just occurred to me that a Guru (or God even) is like a doctor. WE go to the spiritual doctor - the guru, or God - because things are wrong and we are seeking a way to improve things. And just as the doctor burns away warts, the Guru (and God) through loving advice burns the warts of our personalities away so that we become pure and whole and better able to seek God.

Still haven't found a guru, by the way!

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namaha
Chhaya

(PS. Sorry for the lack of posts. I had a lot of school work and school has a bad habit of sucking the life out of me.)

Chhaya meets Amma

Namaste

Some of you might have heard of Amma, otherwise known as Mata Amritanandaymayi, and some of you and sitting there going 'who?'. She's also known as the Hugging Saint. I had heard of Amma some time ago - I don't remember where or when - and I even have one of her publications (the Lalita Sahasranama). I never dreamed that I would get to meet her so soon or that, on meeting her, I would feel nothing.

Amma is in Melbourne. I only found out that she is in Melbourne on Thursday before going to school. As it was a school day I couldn't go and have darshan but I kept in mind that she would have a public program on Friday as well. I went to school on Friday morning, not knowing if I needed to be there or not, and helped another student out because her partner had not turned up. Because her partner had not turned up and because I had already completed this half of the study last year we were finished by lunch.

'Yes,' I thought, 'I will go and see Amma!' But I almost didn't. It turns out that I had left my phone at home and without my phone - the case of which contains my train ticket - I felt naked and cut off from the world. But I made up my mind after a good half hour of uhm-ing and aah-ing and decided to see Amma anyway. It meant a slightly more expensive train ticket than usual but what the hell, I thought, I was going to see a living, breathing, saint. Maybe she would even be my guru?

She's not, unfortunately.

I got off the train at Sandown Park, a station that is pretty much opposite Sandown Race Course where Amma was holding darshan in the multi-purpose hall. I got there at 3 and walked to the hall with a Jewish man who had come to receive darshan in the hopes that Amma could help him with some health problems. She had already helped him twice before and when we entered the hall he asked 'can you feel it? Can you feel the energy?'. I said 'yes' but... you know what? I didn't feel anything. I felt the energy of hundreds of people - people always buoy me up - but I didn't feel anything special.

We got in line for a token so that we might have darshan but we were told we might not get the chance and it was better if we came back for the evening darshan. My Jewish friend decided he'd try to get darshan then and there and I said I'd try for the evening.

I hung around until the even and while in the darshan token line I met several lovely people. A Hindu family stick out most prominently. They were very friendly and we spent about an hour chatting while we waited to receive our tokens. Once we received them we went off and sat in different areas but keep them in mind, they turn up later!

Darshan wouldn't begin until 10 pm and it was 7.30 when we got our tokens. I had been there since 3 in the afternoon but I didn't mind. I was looking forward to this amazing experience everyone had been raving about. Eventually Amma enters and she speaks for perhaps half an hour and then there are bhajans until 10. At 10 Amma prepares to receive her devotees and offer darshan to everyone. From here everything went very quickly!

My token number was called so I hurried up to the line and was told to sit in chairs labelled 'for darhsan only'/ Guess who I sat next to? The mother of the Hindu family! We talked for a little while and I was told to move forwards because I was a single person and the family were seeing Amma together. Up a seat or two I go to sit next to the daughter! We talk for a few minutes and they are told to move up and then there's the mother again! What a coincidence, what a blessing, to sit beside such happy, beautiful people.

Soon it was my tun and I was told to take off my glasses and kneel at Amma's feet. I did so and Amma hugged me and I hugged Amma and I felt nothing. There was not spark, no connection. Nothing amazing happened. It wasn't even as good as hugging my mum!

As I hugged her, Amma whispered in my ear 'my doll, my doll, my doll'. I think that means she wants me to buy an Amma doll but how can I be sure? Shortly after receiving darshan I left and encountered another devotee at the train station. I was hesitant at first but eventually I asked if it was normal to feel absolutely nothing. She said it was and people over at the Hindu Dharma Forums have said that it's entirely natural not to feel anything. She's not my Guru, after all.

But I continue to hope. Please, Gauri Mataji, let my guru find me soon! I am desperate, my heart is filled with longing to meet that person whom you work through!

I am going to see Amma again on Monday evening. I haven't decided, yet, if I will seek darshan again but I get the feeling that I won't. I am really only attending so that I might pick up the Amma doll I put on hold and I don't even know if she was telling me to buy it! Was she or was she calling me her doll? Pretty on the outside, empty on the inside?

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namaha

Chhaya

Namaste

There is really no reason why I have not been posting. I suppose I could say that I have inspiration but that is silly. A blog like this does not require inspiration so much as it requires a strong commitment by the person blogging to be regular. I am going to try to be regular again. A post a week, how does that sound?

On to other things. I recently bought the book 'What is Hinduism?' by the editors of Hinduism Today. While I think it is a good book I find myself objecting to a fair number of the things written in it and I have really only just twigged as to why. The Shaiva Siddhanta Church, which is the body behind Hinduism Today, is part of the much larger Shaiva Siddhanta sampradaya and as such it is dualistic.

Myself, I am an adherent of Shakta advaita - non duality - and so often have trouble going over the literature produced by the SSC because I object to the dualist philosophy. Sometime deep down inside, something utterly visceral in me, objects to the dualistic philosophy and that may be because my deepest spiritual desire is to merge with God.

However that is not to say I think I am God. This little thing that 'I' am is certainly not God but it definitely of Her. If I was not some small part of Her I would not yearn, so deeply, to return to her. And the dualist philosophy, which says that that is impossible - that I, little jiva (embodied soul) that I am, will always be separate from Her - upsets me on a fundamental level.

I don't know what else to say. Often I wonder if I'm evening making any sense in these posts. I hope I am.

Let me end this post with the prayer I say whenever I attend temple.
Mother, may I ever be in your shadow,
Wherever you are, let me be
As you destroy adharma, let me follow in your wake, bringing dharma.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namaha

Chhaya.

Been Ill

Namaste

So, I have been quite ill for a bit under a week now. Massive fevers and their accompanying bone and joints aches. In fact I was hospitalised on Tuesday because of it. I knew exactly what was wrong but the doctors decided I didn't and what I had was a UTI. In the course of treating me, however, they took me off of the thing which was making me sick but later put me back on. I was discharged on Friday and returned to the hospital ER early on Saturday morning with the exact same problem. I saw a different doctor this time who actually had experience in the problems I was suffering from.

She reviewed my history, asked about the medications I was on, asked me what I thought was making me sick etc. I told her and, wonder of wonders, she agreed. So I have stopped taking one of my medications because I am allergic to it.

But why am I posting about that here, on a blog that is meant to detail my spiritual progress? Because just I was put on a medication that was supposed to help me with my problems only to have others arise so sometimes we follow the wrong path and don't realise that it is making us spiritually ill.

Sometimes we are drawn into following a charismatic leader who takes and takes from us under the guise of teaching us. Sometimes we are born following a path we didn't choose but we hesitate to break away from it, despite how it makes us feel, because everything and everyone we know is of that path and breaking with it can lead to much distress. Sometimes we pick and choose willy nilly thinking we're being free spirited and smart but never knowing the full repercussions of mixing teachings.

When it comes to our spiritual path we must be highly discriminating (a word many of us are uncomfortable with due to its associations with the Civil Rights movement) and always be on the look out for things that do not sit right with us. If something seems off we should examine it from all angles for there is often a very good reason it feels off.

Do not ever take things at face value. Always, always look further into them and spend time examining them and coming to your own conclusion. Don't rely on what others are saying for everything because it just might kill you.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namah
Chhaya

Did you know?

Namaste

I am not a follower of Visnu, or Krisna or Rama but I had an epiphany today regarding Prahlada (otherwise spelled as Prahalad) a devout devotee of Lord Visnu. His father was the demon Hiranyakshipu, which makes him a demon as well.

The story of Prahlada is roughly as follows. He was a devout worshipper of lord Visnu which made his father, a great king, jealous. He is warned by Hiranyakshipu that unless he ceases worshipping Visnu he will die. Prahalada, of course, does not desist and despite several attempts by his father to have him killed he miraculously survives.

Eventually, after suffering many abuses, Prahlada is eventually saved by Lord Visnu in the form of Lord Nrsimha (the half man, half lion avatara). Much is made of Prahlada's devotion to Visnu and the wickedness of Hiranyakshipu but I believe that something is left out.

Prahlada is a demon. He is an asura, meaning that, from birth, he is more inclined to wicked tendencies. But he overcomes all this because he is supremely devoted to God and despite the obstacles that are put before him he maintains his devotion. Those obstacles are not just literal. One must look at the metaphorical meaning behind them. They are our doubts and our petty hates, our loves and our desires.

In order to receive the blessing of God we must sacrifice everything to Her. Make of every thought, every action, every word a sacrifice to God and God will respond by drawing us to Her breast.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Namaha
Chhaya

Two Weeks

Namaste

Please forgive me for my hideous lack of posting. I said I'd try to post once a week but sometimes you just don't have anything to say. And I didn't even really have anything to say when I started writing this post but I believe I've hit on a topic that might be of interest.

Religious tolerance. I don't believe in it. Tolerating something does not mean you accept it as an equally valid path. It means it is something that you do not like but you are willing to put up with it for the comfort of others. And religious tolerance is of the most contrived sort.


I, personally, do not tolerate other religions. I do, however, accept religious diversity. There are many paths in this world and while I believe that Sanatana Dharma is the one and only true path I also accept that for others, who have not found it yet or are not spiritually enough evolved, it is not.

I have met Christians with such bhav (spiritual emotion) and such intense bhakti that it is humbling and I have met Hindus who are derisive of their rich heritage.

And I don't know what I'm saying, honestly. I love talking about my religion and I would love other people to get involved but I don't go around trying to convert people because I accept that they must find Sanantana Dharma on their own. I am no Guru to teach others life lessons, just a fellow traveller.

When I pass a church or a mosque (or a synagogue but I've never actually passed one of those) a little part of me thinks 'it's a shame that beautiful building is being used to spread hatred and adharma' but this is the Kali Yuga (the dark age) and only when adharma rules the entire creation will Ma Kali incarnate amongst us as Kalki* and I pray that when she does I am born at Her side with a sword in my hand so that I might spread dharma where adharma grows.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namaha
Chhaya

(*Amongst Vaishnavas (followers of Visnu) there is the common belief of the ten avataras of Visnu. Accordingly it is said that when the Earth suffers from great distress and adharma is prevalent Visnu shall take an earthly form and rid creation of lawlessness thereby reinstating the true law (dharma). According to Shaktas (worshippers of Shakti aka Devi aka Durga etc) Kali took the form of Krisna (and Shiva took the form of Radha) after the ganas (attendents of Shiva and Shakti) had seen the two dancing together and asked to see it once again. So Kali said that she would appear upon the Earth as Krisna and Shiva would appear as Radha and the ganas would appear as the gopis and gopas so that they might witness it once more. In doing so she also takes the form of Krisna to relieve creation of suffering. Jai Ma Kali! So we may also imply that she will take the form of Kalki when the time comes.)

Maha Shivaratri 2012

Namaste

Maha Shivaratri - the great night of Shiva - is coming up soon. A little over a month away is a night of celebrations spent worshipping Lord Shiva. Many people keep an overnight vigil on Maha Shivaratri to honour Shiva and it is believed that such a vigil allows you to accrue great spiritual merit. One who is a sincere worshipper of Shiva and hopes to gain his attention will perform the vigil ot of love and adoration. Others perform it in order to have their requests granted.

As for me, I keep the Maha Shivaratri vigil because it was Shiva who first drew me to Sanatana Dharma. As a devotee of Shiva and Shakti I enjoy Maha Shivaratri because I can worship both at the same time. On this night one pours water and other substances over the Lingam (a physical representation of Shiva often said to represent his phallus) which rises out of the Yoni (the yoni is a representation of Shakti, often said to be her generative organs as well), which is a form of worship. By offering water and other cooling substances to the Lingam we are helping to cool Shiva who is always meditating and therefore accruing great heat. By cooling his Linga we prevent him from burning the world with his heat.

I could say more but I don't really know what to say. So I'll leave it at that.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namaha
Chhaya

Namaste

Some times you just don't have anything much to say and so it has been with me lately. I have just moved house and I think that's the primary reason for my lack of inspiration and motivation. I have set up my shrine in a small corner of the living room and performed puja last night - much to the bemusement of my mother who is visiting to help with the move.

Puja is not a quiet affair, at least not in my house, and so it tends to get a bit loud. I ring bells, I sing along to bhajans and light incense. My mother is not very fond of incense - or rather the amount I burn - so I have been using Japanese incense but even this seems to be too heavy for her. Half way through my sadhana I am interrupted with 'can you please open a door?'. I wonder why she felt she couldn't get up to do it herself? If it had been her performing puja I would have gotten up and opened the door myself rather than interrupt her.

I guess what I'm saying is - if you find another person's sadhana to be a bit on the nerves, leave the area. Don't interrupt them or stop them when they're in the swing of it.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamudayai Namaha
Chhaya

Is the Gita Sacred?

Namaste

Is the Gita Sacred? Yes and no. It depends on which Gita you mean, I suppose. As a Shakta/Saiva Hindu the Bhagavad Gita means very little me. I have never felt any connection to Krishna, who is the form of God in the B. Gita's discourse. I did try to cultivate a loving relationship with Him for a time but it never went anywhere and so I ignored the Hare Krishnas and their 'you're worshipping a demi god!' and went back to worshipping Shiva.

Now while the Bhagavad Gita holds no specific sanctity the Devi Gita is a whole 'nother kettle of fish - as is the Shiva Gita (I will read it one day, I swear). In the first, the Devi Gita, Maha Devi expounds her worship and how to attain liberation to Himavat - the mountain - who has propitiated her to be born into his family as his and his wife's daughter. Much the same thing occurs in the Shiva Gita with Shiva expounding his worship to Shri Rama who was a devout devotee of his.

I have a copy of the Devi Gita (I even discovered I have a copy of the Devi Bhagavatam, I was very surprised) that was sent to me by a Shakta priest (who can be contacted at dankonnor@gmail.com)) and it is wonderful. The way Devi speaks the words drip with lover and I am sure that the same can be said of the Shiva Gita.

I have never felt close to Krishna and for the longest time I thought I was being a bad devotee because I didn't find the Bhagavad Gita sacred. It was a weight off my shoulders to discover that it is only really sacred to Vaishnavas (devotees of Visnu) and Smartas (non-sectarian sect formed by the great Adi Shankara in an effort to defeat sectarian violence). So if you don't feel any connection to the Bhagavad Gita don't fret. You're not being a bad devotee, you're simply following you're own path.

And don't feel bad if you're not called to Krishna either. Simply because Vaishnavism is the largest of the religions which fall under the umbrella of Hinduism does not necessarily mean it's right for everyone. Some people are called towards Krishna and others to Kali, some are called to Visnu and others to Shiva. God takes so many different forms because each person perceives God differently.

On Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namaha
Chhaya

Dear Debby

Namaste

I wrote this letter to Debby, which I gave to her on the 29th of December and asked her to read after we had enjoyed our meeting. It expressed much of what I believe and hope that it will give my readers some insight into the person I am.

*~*~*

Dear Debby

I am very happy that we had the chance to meet today (please ignore the date at the top). After two years away it was a pleasure to see you again. You have always been wonderfully kind and friendly to me and I treasure that. Please remember that.

I don't know if I've asked you to read this first or after - I suspect I've asked you to read this after our catch up because I've always been uncomfortable about trying to explain my beliefs to you. I think this is because you are so happy with where you sit in your beliefs and so sure that what you believe is true that I have never wanted to disappoint you. But I think it is time that I come true to you and told you my beliefs. This is both for your benefit and mine. By taking this step you - a person whose presence I have treasured in my life - will learn more about me and I will solidify my beliefs in a more tangible manner because I will no longer be hiding one of the most important parts of myself from a woman I highly respect.

Debby, shortly before I first met you - in 2006 I believe - I was having dreams and thoughts about God. I dreamed constantly about Him and my daily thoughts were consumed with Him to such a degree that, for a time, I could not even really function properly. It was only when I gave in, only when I stopped resisting, that God gave me a break.

Every time you entered my apartment, Debby, God was watching us. Through an idol He looked out - although God needs no idols, no images, God is at once formless and with form for His devotees.

I gave into God's persistence by buying a small murti (what you would call an idol) and setting up a small shrine atop my bookcase. You may remember the posters of Lord Shiva, Durga Ma and Kali Ma that adorned my walls. All different forms that God takes for Her devotees that we might approach Her with a little more ease.

It was only after relenting and setting up that shrine that I was able to return to any semblance of functionality. And once that shrine had been set up I began a journey that involved meeting you and learning about Jehovah and his witnesses and asking myself 'do I agree with what I am learning? Do I agree with this picture of God?'

For awhile there, Debby, I did. Jehovah seemed to be the father I had never known and I prayed every night but eventually I would always be brought back - lovingly - to Lord Shiva and His beneficent smile. It was Lord Shiva who first called me and to Him I always returned.

I think the day that really told me Jehovah was not the right path for me was the day you and some other Witnesses told me about one of the steps they had to take.

That step Debby, was burning the books on different beliefs and any objects of them. One of the young women there mentioned having - I believe - a wooden mask in her home. With it in her house she said she suffered from all sorts of mishaps. It was only when she became a Witness and realised that the mask was demonic that she knew what to do. She burned it, along with the books on different beliefs she had and suddenly it was all good. Maybe it was but I couldn't deal with the thought of burning books. Books are sacred. They are filled with knowledge and should never be so disrespected.

I could never burn books, no matter how much I disagreed with what was written in them. Ever.

I do not believe that Jehovah is God - if anything he is a divine being - but I do believe that Shiva is God. Shiva is God, Krisna is God, Mother Durga, Mother Kali, Parvati Ma, Sri Sri Radharani is God. Every name there is for a different aspect - a different form - that God takes so that His/Her devotees may know Him/Her.

Lord Shiva is forever merciful and most fond of His devottees. Lord Krisna is God as beauty and grace who came down to Earth to answer the desperate prayers of His devotees at a time of strife and He will come down once again as Kalki to spread righteousness and godliness once against amongst mankind.

Mother Durga is the firm, loving power of our universal Mother. She took form to liberate us all, as did Mother Kali who is so fierce, so frightening because She will do anything for us, to bring us to Her. Parvati Ma is Lord Shiva's loving wife, without Whom He is powerless and impotent. Sri Sri Radharani is Lord Krisna's eternal consort; that which even God is enamoured with.

All these different, and sometimes conflicting, forms of God are for the devotees. God takes form for our benefit, so that we may become lost in Her.

He does not punish. She is not angry. He is not jealous. What God is - and so much more - is loving, merciful, playful and joyful. Words do not encompass what God is but when I see an image of Lord Shiva or Ma Durga I see a little of what God is and I feel God's presence.

I needed to tell you this Debby and maybe I should have told you when we first met but I was afraid of losing you as a friend. I know now that if you should choose never to speak to me again or believe me damned that's okay. We are both on the same path but we are not at the same way point.

I love you, Debby, and pray that you understand why I am doing this.

May God bless you
Love always
Chhaya

*~*~*~*

Hopefully this can give you, my readers, some insight in to the sort of person I am.

Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamudayai Vicche Namaha
Chhaya