Namaste
Wow... it's been three years since my last post. I am still devoted to Shiva and Mata ji; I don't think that will ever change! Over those past few years I have been caught up in my own life, I think. I haven't been going regularly to temple and during the past two years my bipolar disorder has really been acting up something shocking.
But over those past two years I have been studying to become a nurse and next year I will commence study to gain my Bachelor of Nursing. I finish my first course in a few weeks and then I will be able to work as a medication and IV endorsed enrolled nurse. The bachelor will allow me to work as a registered nurse which will also give me access to nursing overseas. I see nursing as a form of seva; yes you get paid for it but if you make nursing your life than it is less about the money and more about the patients.
My hope is so save up a nice nest egg and then use that to travel to India and join one of the charitable foundations over there, serving the community. I believe that will be the best use of my skills and the deep seated desire to help other people that I have.
I am so sorry for not posting regularly, life just gets so... busy, sometimes.
On the plus side I have sworn off beef completely and have not had any since Maha Shivaratri of this year.
Hopefully I can remember to post again soon!
Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namaha
Chhaya
Wednesday 5 August 2015
Saturday 14 July 2012
Today at Temple
Namaste
As I try to do every Sunday I went to temple today. Ordinarily it's not really worth talking about. I go, I take darshan and prashad, enjoy the bhandara (also known as langaar, means feast) and then I go home. Sometimes I feel uplifted, like I'm buzzing with energy, other times nothing but I haven't felt like this ever. Well, I have but it's never been caused by a temple visit.
So, how do I feel? I feel... calm; sorta floaty, actually. It's a very interesting feeling because I generally only feel like this after taking very powerful painkillers. I think this is the euphoria people talk about feeling sometimes. I feel it right now. It's a delicious feeling and I had no idea that a temple visit could cause it.
I'm thinking it's because I have been doing aarti nightly for the last couple of days. It's Shravan so I should be worshipping Shiva with as much vigor as possible so I figured I'd do aarti every night to both Shiva and Durga. So maybe that's why.
Very odd feeling.
Devi Chhaya out.
As I try to do every Sunday I went to temple today. Ordinarily it's not really worth talking about. I go, I take darshan and prashad, enjoy the bhandara (also known as langaar, means feast) and then I go home. Sometimes I feel uplifted, like I'm buzzing with energy, other times nothing but I haven't felt like this ever. Well, I have but it's never been caused by a temple visit.
So, how do I feel? I feel... calm; sorta floaty, actually. It's a very interesting feeling because I generally only feel like this after taking very powerful painkillers. I think this is the euphoria people talk about feeling sometimes. I feel it right now. It's a delicious feeling and I had no idea that a temple visit could cause it.
I'm thinking it's because I have been doing aarti nightly for the last couple of days. It's Shravan so I should be worshipping Shiva with as much vigor as possible so I figured I'd do aarti every night to both Shiva and Durga. So maybe that's why.
Very odd feeling.
Devi Chhaya out.
Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundaya Vicche Namaha
Chhaya Sundari
Tuesday 3 July 2012
Chhaya doesn't cycle well
Namaste
I am not a confident cyclist - I used to be but it's been a very long time since that was true - and it occurred to me as I was riding, clinging to that bicycle as if my very life depended on it that seeking God is much the same. We are not generally confident - why should God be interested in us? - but nevertheless we must cling to Maa as if to let go would mean the end. If we hang on long enough, hard enough, one day She will have no choice but to pick us up in Her loving arms and cradle us against Her breast like the children we are.
And, as I wrote this another thought has just occurred to me. Today I had to get a wart frozen, which is why I was riding my bicycle (the doctor's office is not very far from home and it's better to ride a bicycle than ride a motorcycle when it comes to getting fit!) and really, the whole reason for this post. But it just occurred to me that a Guru (or God even) is like a doctor. WE go to the spiritual doctor - the guru, or God - because things are wrong and we are seeking a way to improve things. And just as the doctor burns away warts, the Guru (and God) through loving advice burns the warts of our personalities away so that we become pure and whole and better able to seek God.
Still haven't found a guru, by the way!
Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namaha
Chhaya
(PS. Sorry for the lack of posts. I had a lot of school work and school has a bad habit of sucking the life out of me.)
I am not a confident cyclist - I used to be but it's been a very long time since that was true - and it occurred to me as I was riding, clinging to that bicycle as if my very life depended on it that seeking God is much the same. We are not generally confident - why should God be interested in us? - but nevertheless we must cling to Maa as if to let go would mean the end. If we hang on long enough, hard enough, one day She will have no choice but to pick us up in Her loving arms and cradle us against Her breast like the children we are.
And, as I wrote this another thought has just occurred to me. Today I had to get a wart frozen, which is why I was riding my bicycle (the doctor's office is not very far from home and it's better to ride a bicycle than ride a motorcycle when it comes to getting fit!) and really, the whole reason for this post. But it just occurred to me that a Guru (or God even) is like a doctor. WE go to the spiritual doctor - the guru, or God - because things are wrong and we are seeking a way to improve things. And just as the doctor burns away warts, the Guru (and God) through loving advice burns the warts of our personalities away so that we become pure and whole and better able to seek God.
Still haven't found a guru, by the way!
Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namaha
Chhaya
(PS. Sorry for the lack of posts. I had a lot of school work and school has a bad habit of sucking the life out of me.)
Saturday 14 April 2012
Chhaya meets Amma
Namaste
Some of you might have heard of Amma, otherwise known as Mata Amritanandaymayi, and some of you and sitting there going 'who?'. She's also known as the Hugging Saint. I had heard of Amma some time ago - I don't remember where or when - and I even have one of her publications (the Lalita Sahasranama). I never dreamed that I would get to meet her so soon or that, on meeting her, I would feel nothing.
Amma is in Melbourne. I only found out that she is in Melbourne on Thursday before going to school. As it was a school day I couldn't go and have darshan but I kept in mind that she would have a public program on Friday as well. I went to school on Friday morning, not knowing if I needed to be there or not, and helped another student out because her partner had not turned up. Because her partner had not turned up and because I had already completed this half of the study last year we were finished by lunch.
'Yes,' I thought, 'I will go and see Amma!' But I almost didn't. It turns out that I had left my phone at home and without my phone - the case of which contains my train ticket - I felt naked and cut off from the world. But I made up my mind after a good half hour of uhm-ing and aah-ing and decided to see Amma anyway. It meant a slightly more expensive train ticket than usual but what the hell, I thought, I was going to see a living, breathing, saint. Maybe she would even be my guru?
She's not, unfortunately.
I got off the train at Sandown Park, a station that is pretty much opposite Sandown Race Course where Amma was holding darshan in the multi-purpose hall. I got there at 3 and walked to the hall with a Jewish man who had come to receive darshan in the hopes that Amma could help him with some health problems. She had already helped him twice before and when we entered the hall he asked 'can you feel it? Can you feel the energy?'. I said 'yes' but... you know what? I didn't feel anything. I felt the energy of hundreds of people - people always buoy me up - but I didn't feel anything special.
We got in line for a token so that we might have darshan but we were told we might not get the chance and it was better if we came back for the evening darshan. My Jewish friend decided he'd try to get darshan then and there and I said I'd try for the evening.
I hung around until the even and while in the darshan token line I met several lovely people. A Hindu family stick out most prominently. They were very friendly and we spent about an hour chatting while we waited to receive our tokens. Once we received them we went off and sat in different areas but keep them in mind, they turn up later!
Darshan wouldn't begin until 10 pm and it was 7.30 when we got our tokens. I had been there since 3 in the afternoon but I didn't mind. I was looking forward to this amazing experience everyone had been raving about. Eventually Amma enters and she speaks for perhaps half an hour and then there are bhajans until 10. At 10 Amma prepares to receive her devotees and offer darshan to everyone. From here everything went very quickly!
My token number was called so I hurried up to the line and was told to sit in chairs labelled 'for darhsan only'/ Guess who I sat next to? The mother of the Hindu family! We talked for a little while and I was told to move forwards because I was a single person and the family were seeing Amma together. Up a seat or two I go to sit next to the daughter! We talk for a few minutes and they are told to move up and then there's the mother again! What a coincidence, what a blessing, to sit beside such happy, beautiful people.
Soon it was my tun and I was told to take off my glasses and kneel at Amma's feet. I did so and Amma hugged me and I hugged Amma and I felt nothing. There was not spark, no connection. Nothing amazing happened. It wasn't even as good as hugging my mum!
As I hugged her, Amma whispered in my ear 'my doll, my doll, my doll'. I think that means she wants me to buy an Amma doll but how can I be sure? Shortly after receiving darshan I left and encountered another devotee at the train station. I was hesitant at first but eventually I asked if it was normal to feel absolutely nothing. She said it was and people over at the Hindu Dharma Forums have said that it's entirely natural not to feel anything. She's not my Guru, after all.
But I continue to hope. Please, Gauri Mataji, let my guru find me soon! I am desperate, my heart is filled with longing to meet that person whom you work through!
I am going to see Amma again on Monday evening. I haven't decided, yet, if I will seek darshan again but I get the feeling that I won't. I am really only attending so that I might pick up the Amma doll I put on hold and I don't even know if she was telling me to buy it! Was she or was she calling me her doll? Pretty on the outside, empty on the inside?
Some of you might have heard of Amma, otherwise known as Mata Amritanandaymayi, and some of you and sitting there going 'who?'. She's also known as the Hugging Saint. I had heard of Amma some time ago - I don't remember where or when - and I even have one of her publications (the Lalita Sahasranama). I never dreamed that I would get to meet her so soon or that, on meeting her, I would feel nothing.
Amma is in Melbourne. I only found out that she is in Melbourne on Thursday before going to school. As it was a school day I couldn't go and have darshan but I kept in mind that she would have a public program on Friday as well. I went to school on Friday morning, not knowing if I needed to be there or not, and helped another student out because her partner had not turned up. Because her partner had not turned up and because I had already completed this half of the study last year we were finished by lunch.
'Yes,' I thought, 'I will go and see Amma!' But I almost didn't. It turns out that I had left my phone at home and without my phone - the case of which contains my train ticket - I felt naked and cut off from the world. But I made up my mind after a good half hour of uhm-ing and aah-ing and decided to see Amma anyway. It meant a slightly more expensive train ticket than usual but what the hell, I thought, I was going to see a living, breathing, saint. Maybe she would even be my guru?
She's not, unfortunately.
I got off the train at Sandown Park, a station that is pretty much opposite Sandown Race Course where Amma was holding darshan in the multi-purpose hall. I got there at 3 and walked to the hall with a Jewish man who had come to receive darshan in the hopes that Amma could help him with some health problems. She had already helped him twice before and when we entered the hall he asked 'can you feel it? Can you feel the energy?'. I said 'yes' but... you know what? I didn't feel anything. I felt the energy of hundreds of people - people always buoy me up - but I didn't feel anything special.
We got in line for a token so that we might have darshan but we were told we might not get the chance and it was better if we came back for the evening darshan. My Jewish friend decided he'd try to get darshan then and there and I said I'd try for the evening.
I hung around until the even and while in the darshan token line I met several lovely people. A Hindu family stick out most prominently. They were very friendly and we spent about an hour chatting while we waited to receive our tokens. Once we received them we went off and sat in different areas but keep them in mind, they turn up later!
Darshan wouldn't begin until 10 pm and it was 7.30 when we got our tokens. I had been there since 3 in the afternoon but I didn't mind. I was looking forward to this amazing experience everyone had been raving about. Eventually Amma enters and she speaks for perhaps half an hour and then there are bhajans until 10. At 10 Amma prepares to receive her devotees and offer darshan to everyone. From here everything went very quickly!
My token number was called so I hurried up to the line and was told to sit in chairs labelled 'for darhsan only'/ Guess who I sat next to? The mother of the Hindu family! We talked for a little while and I was told to move forwards because I was a single person and the family were seeing Amma together. Up a seat or two I go to sit next to the daughter! We talk for a few minutes and they are told to move up and then there's the mother again! What a coincidence, what a blessing, to sit beside such happy, beautiful people.
Soon it was my tun and I was told to take off my glasses and kneel at Amma's feet. I did so and Amma hugged me and I hugged Amma and I felt nothing. There was not spark, no connection. Nothing amazing happened. It wasn't even as good as hugging my mum!
As I hugged her, Amma whispered in my ear 'my doll, my doll, my doll'. I think that means she wants me to buy an Amma doll but how can I be sure? Shortly after receiving darshan I left and encountered another devotee at the train station. I was hesitant at first but eventually I asked if it was normal to feel absolutely nothing. She said it was and people over at the Hindu Dharma Forums have said that it's entirely natural not to feel anything. She's not my Guru, after all.
But I continue to hope. Please, Gauri Mataji, let my guru find me soon! I am desperate, my heart is filled with longing to meet that person whom you work through!
I am going to see Amma again on Monday evening. I haven't decided, yet, if I will seek darshan again but I get the feeling that I won't. I am really only attending so that I might pick up the Amma doll I put on hold and I don't even know if she was telling me to buy it! Was she or was she calling me her doll? Pretty on the outside, empty on the inside?
Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namaha
Chhaya
Monday 2 April 2012
Namaste
There is really no reason why I have not been posting. I suppose I could say that I have inspiration but that is silly. A blog like this does not require inspiration so much as it requires a strong commitment by the person blogging to be regular. I am going to try to be regular again. A post a week, how does that sound?
On to other things. I recently bought the book 'What is Hinduism?' by the editors of Hinduism Today. While I think it is a good book I find myself objecting to a fair number of the things written in it and I have really only just twigged as to why. The Shaiva Siddhanta Church, which is the body behind Hinduism Today, is part of the much larger Shaiva Siddhanta sampradaya and as such it is dualistic.
Myself, I am an adherent of Shakta advaita - non duality - and so often have trouble going over the literature produced by the SSC because I object to the dualist philosophy. Sometime deep down inside, something utterly visceral in me, objects to the dualistic philosophy and that may be because my deepest spiritual desire is to merge with God.
However that is not to say I think I am God. This little thing that 'I' am is certainly not God but it definitely of Her. If I was not some small part of Her I would not yearn, so deeply, to return to her. And the dualist philosophy, which says that that is impossible - that I, little jiva (embodied soul) that I am, will always be separate from Her - upsets me on a fundamental level.
I don't know what else to say. Often I wonder if I'm evening making any sense in these posts. I hope I am.
Let me end this post with the prayer I say whenever I attend temple.
Mother, may I ever be in your shadow,
Wherever you are, let me be
As you destroy adharma, let me follow in your wake, bringing dharma.
There is really no reason why I have not been posting. I suppose I could say that I have inspiration but that is silly. A blog like this does not require inspiration so much as it requires a strong commitment by the person blogging to be regular. I am going to try to be regular again. A post a week, how does that sound?
On to other things. I recently bought the book 'What is Hinduism?' by the editors of Hinduism Today. While I think it is a good book I find myself objecting to a fair number of the things written in it and I have really only just twigged as to why. The Shaiva Siddhanta Church, which is the body behind Hinduism Today, is part of the much larger Shaiva Siddhanta sampradaya and as such it is dualistic.
Myself, I am an adherent of Shakta advaita - non duality - and so often have trouble going over the literature produced by the SSC because I object to the dualist philosophy. Sometime deep down inside, something utterly visceral in me, objects to the dualistic philosophy and that may be because my deepest spiritual desire is to merge with God.
However that is not to say I think I am God. This little thing that 'I' am is certainly not God but it definitely of Her. If I was not some small part of Her I would not yearn, so deeply, to return to her. And the dualist philosophy, which says that that is impossible - that I, little jiva (embodied soul) that I am, will always be separate from Her - upsets me on a fundamental level.
I don't know what else to say. Often I wonder if I'm evening making any sense in these posts. I hope I am.
Let me end this post with the prayer I say whenever I attend temple.
Mother, may I ever be in your shadow,
Wherever you are, let me be
As you destroy adharma, let me follow in your wake, bringing dharma.
Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namaha
Chhaya.
Saturday 18 February 2012
Been Ill
Namaste
So, I have been quite ill for a bit under a week now. Massive fevers and their accompanying bone and joints aches. In fact I was hospitalised on Tuesday because of it. I knew exactly what was wrong but the doctors decided I didn't and what I had was a UTI. In the course of treating me, however, they took me off of the thing which was making me sick but later put me back on. I was discharged on Friday and returned to the hospital ER early on Saturday morning with the exact same problem. I saw a different doctor this time who actually had experience in the problems I was suffering from.
She reviewed my history, asked about the medications I was on, asked me what I thought was making me sick etc. I told her and, wonder of wonders, she agreed. So I have stopped taking one of my medications because I am allergic to it.
But why am I posting about that here, on a blog that is meant to detail my spiritual progress? Because just I was put on a medication that was supposed to help me with my problems only to have others arise so sometimes we follow the wrong path and don't realise that it is making us spiritually ill.
Sometimes we are drawn into following a charismatic leader who takes and takes from us under the guise of teaching us. Sometimes we are born following a path we didn't choose but we hesitate to break away from it, despite how it makes us feel, because everything and everyone we know is of that path and breaking with it can lead to much distress. Sometimes we pick and choose willy nilly thinking we're being free spirited and smart but never knowing the full repercussions of mixing teachings.
When it comes to our spiritual path we must be highly discriminating (a word many of us are uncomfortable with due to its associations with the Civil Rights movement) and always be on the look out for things that do not sit right with us. If something seems off we should examine it from all angles for there is often a very good reason it feels off.
Do not ever take things at face value. Always, always look further into them and spend time examining them and coming to your own conclusion. Don't rely on what others are saying for everything because it just might kill you.
Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namah
Chhaya
So, I have been quite ill for a bit under a week now. Massive fevers and their accompanying bone and joints aches. In fact I was hospitalised on Tuesday because of it. I knew exactly what was wrong but the doctors decided I didn't and what I had was a UTI. In the course of treating me, however, they took me off of the thing which was making me sick but later put me back on. I was discharged on Friday and returned to the hospital ER early on Saturday morning with the exact same problem. I saw a different doctor this time who actually had experience in the problems I was suffering from.
She reviewed my history, asked about the medications I was on, asked me what I thought was making me sick etc. I told her and, wonder of wonders, she agreed. So I have stopped taking one of my medications because I am allergic to it.
But why am I posting about that here, on a blog that is meant to detail my spiritual progress? Because just I was put on a medication that was supposed to help me with my problems only to have others arise so sometimes we follow the wrong path and don't realise that it is making us spiritually ill.
Sometimes we are drawn into following a charismatic leader who takes and takes from us under the guise of teaching us. Sometimes we are born following a path we didn't choose but we hesitate to break away from it, despite how it makes us feel, because everything and everyone we know is of that path and breaking with it can lead to much distress. Sometimes we pick and choose willy nilly thinking we're being free spirited and smart but never knowing the full repercussions of mixing teachings.
When it comes to our spiritual path we must be highly discriminating (a word many of us are uncomfortable with due to its associations with the Civil Rights movement) and always be on the look out for things that do not sit right with us. If something seems off we should examine it from all angles for there is often a very good reason it feels off.
Do not ever take things at face value. Always, always look further into them and spend time examining them and coming to your own conclusion. Don't rely on what others are saying for everything because it just might kill you.
Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche Namah
Chhaya
Sunday 29 January 2012
Did you know?
Namaste
I am not a follower of Visnu, or Krisna or Rama but I had an epiphany today regarding Prahlada (otherwise spelled as Prahalad) a devout devotee of Lord Visnu. His father was the demon Hiranyakshipu, which makes him a demon as well.
The story of Prahlada is roughly as follows. He was a devout worshipper of lord Visnu which made his father, a great king, jealous. He is warned by Hiranyakshipu that unless he ceases worshipping Visnu he will die. Prahalada, of course, does not desist and despite several attempts by his father to have him killed he miraculously survives.
Eventually, after suffering many abuses, Prahlada is eventually saved by Lord Visnu in the form of Lord Nrsimha (the half man, half lion avatara). Much is made of Prahlada's devotion to Visnu and the wickedness of Hiranyakshipu but I believe that something is left out.
Prahlada is a demon. He is an asura, meaning that, from birth, he is more inclined to wicked tendencies. But he overcomes all this because he is supremely devoted to God and despite the obstacles that are put before him he maintains his devotion. Those obstacles are not just literal. One must look at the metaphorical meaning behind them. They are our doubts and our petty hates, our loves and our desires.
In order to receive the blessing of God we must sacrifice everything to Her. Make of every thought, every action, every word a sacrifice to God and God will respond by drawing us to Her breast.
Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Namaha
Chhaya
I am not a follower of Visnu, or Krisna or Rama but I had an epiphany today regarding Prahlada (otherwise spelled as Prahalad) a devout devotee of Lord Visnu. His father was the demon Hiranyakshipu, which makes him a demon as well.
The story of Prahlada is roughly as follows. He was a devout worshipper of lord Visnu which made his father, a great king, jealous. He is warned by Hiranyakshipu that unless he ceases worshipping Visnu he will die. Prahalada, of course, does not desist and despite several attempts by his father to have him killed he miraculously survives.
Eventually, after suffering many abuses, Prahlada is eventually saved by Lord Visnu in the form of Lord Nrsimha (the half man, half lion avatara). Much is made of Prahlada's devotion to Visnu and the wickedness of Hiranyakshipu but I believe that something is left out.
Prahlada is a demon. He is an asura, meaning that, from birth, he is more inclined to wicked tendencies. But he overcomes all this because he is supremely devoted to God and despite the obstacles that are put before him he maintains his devotion. Those obstacles are not just literal. One must look at the metaphorical meaning behind them. They are our doubts and our petty hates, our loves and our desires.
In order to receive the blessing of God we must sacrifice everything to Her. Make of every thought, every action, every word a sacrifice to God and God will respond by drawing us to Her breast.
Om Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Namaha
Chhaya
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